Meditation

I've known how to pray my whole life, its the first thing my parents taught me after I could actually make some sort of speaking noise. I guess its another thing that I have always taken for granted. Today I had the strangest idea while I was sitting in the shower. Well, my best ideas always happen in the shower. Anyway, I decided to kneel down in the shower and pray. The sound of the water was loud enough that nothing else could distract me from what I was doing. It was the most peaceful and calming experience of my life. I have always been a sucker for the sound of running water, but this was something different. I remembered what Kwj. Richard said to me on my first informal rank test. He looked me in the eye and said,

"It isn't enough just to pray, Laura, you have to mean it. You have to ponder on it; you need to meditate upon what you are asking. Meditation is such a vital part of Martial Arts, because it helps you prepare mentally for what you are going to go through physically. I know you're scared, but thinking about being scared isn't going to help. Think about pushing through, perservering, no matter how big or scary the problem is. Let go of all of the bad things and focus on the good. Only you can change who you are, and I believe in you."

Thinking back on what he said made me realize that for a long time I had done what he told me to, I didn't just pray I meditated on my prayers. I made sure that my plan of action was what God wanted me to do. Somewhere in the last few months I lost that. I stopped meditating on everything, and with that fear snuck in. I was scared of EVERYTHING! I can't believe it took Joe leaving me to realize something like that.. I know what I have to do, and I've known all along. Sometimes I just forget. I can't remember the last time that I felt this sweet feeling of knowing that no matter what happens everything will be just fine. I might not like it, but thats ok. No one ever said life would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

Joe

So as you may or may not know, Joe proposed on Dec. 18th then broke it off on Jan. 7th.
I can't blame him though, I got so scared and nervous that I acted horribly and treated him like he didn't matter to me. I want nothing more than to work through it. He's asked me to not talk, text, call, or see him for a week. I've been keeping a journal/letters to him from every day this week. I've been writing my feelings and my random experiences. Like last night when I started panicking that he didn't love me anymore, Sean told me to open my scriptures and stop pouting. I somehow opened it to Psalms 46:10 which reads, "Be still and know that I am God." Wow.. what a way to tell me to chill out! but it was amazing, it totally made me feel like God was right there telling me that it will be ok and that it will work out. I sat up the canyon and more or less told God that I was going to marry Joe, and that I would change and be the person I should've been before everything went to hell. From what I know, he told me to go for it, take it head on and get that boy back! Because I love him, I need him, and most of all I want him in my life.

Wedding!!

I'm getting married! and This is the dress I got :) We've had sleeves added. Joe hasn't officially proposed or anything but, we have the wedding planned and we're looking for an apartment. The day is May 20th!
We're getting married in the Manti Temple and he's proposing in December. He's giving me the ring his late father gave his mom.. (awe.....) I'm excited.. :)

More Modeling Pics

Whitney Lewis is AMAZING thats all I have to say right now.

Jiu-jitsu, pointe shoes and soreness

I am so incredibly sore! Jiu-jitsu was so much fun. I mean.. getting up at five to roll around on the floor with some incredibly hot boys.. :] I don't have a problem. My pointe shoes came today and I love them. My abs (and my legs and my back and my arms and my boob muscles) are so sore I couldn't get en pointe! Oh well, give it a few weeks when I'm used to being tied into a pretzel then using my nonexistant abs to get up and throw the other person. I'll be fine then. Well I'm in bed because my mom found me sleeping on the floor and pretty much forced me to. lol I have a story about Joe, but it can wait until tomorrow. I'm tired. Peace y'all!

Babies, Texas and Decisions

Hi!! This weekend was eventful... to say the least! So, lets start with Friday! I'm going to be a total cheese and put some of mine and Joe's note on here. Well, at least the part I liked the most.

Joe: So could you be me up, I'm kinda imtimidated. Would you play nice?
Me: If I wanted to I could have you on your butt before you realized what was going on.
Joe: Nice.. I'll have to just treat you like a princess and not ever get on your bad side. You should show me your skills sometime.


So thats all fine and dandy. So Saturday rolls around and I go to SLC with Sarah, Kandy and Kjersta. For some unknown reason I called Tristram (ex boy/fiance person). We ended up meeting him and baby Amaris at the Wingers in Lehi. He's divorced now, and I got to do the "I told you so" dance. Problem is.. I still love him, and I probably always will. I've pretended to more or less hate him for so long I forgot why I even started doing that. I told him that Amaris should've been mine, and he said he wishes she was. I love that little girl. She's nine months old and just the cutest little thing. I'm taking pictures of her on Wednesday. But.. Tristram more or less said that he wanted me back (Well he said he was scared to ask). We sat outside my house talking until about four in the morning.. Amaris was sleeping on me.. I could've held her all night. She smells just like a little baby. Which she should but. .yeah.. I'm so confused.. I don't even know what to do. I know I don't want to make a decision now, I'll regret that more than anything. I wish I could see what would happen if I choose a certain way, then I'd know if I'd be making the right decision. I guess time is the best thing I can do right now.. give it lots of time... and not make any rash decisions..